Depression

[tygati]

It always happens when the weather changes. I guess my brain is sensitive to it or something. But when the weather takes a sharp turn, I get depressed. -.-

Part of it is that I'm missing M, I'm sure. It's probably not very healthy to be so reliant on one person, but it's kind of... I don't know. She's my drive. My inspiration. My idol. Without her I've been very... blank? Something like that. I kind of glance halfheartedly at various notes and things in progress and I can't really bring myself to care.

From the very beginning, I've been writing for her. Not just because she gives me inspiration, but because there was a point one day where I was squeeing madly over the latest shiny when it occurred to me that there are a lot of us who look to her writings to make our days brighter, but then what does she get? So, I wrote. Not very good, but it amused her, and that was all that mattered.

But now? Now I have fans. And that scares me to death. Not just because I have 113 people watching me (113?!? *faints* Where did they all come from?!) but because every now and then I'll get a comment from someone who isn't one of those watchers, and I have a mild panic attack trying to figure out how many people are reading my stories that I don't even know about. @.@ It's terrifying. And stressful. I mean, I wrote nonsense, just for fun. But now I worry about whether or not people will like it, or if I'm somehow disappointing them when things I've promised just sit and collect dust because my muses have abandoned me. I feel insanely guilty about Blue Dragon. I've only been promising that for how long? And I still haven't worked out the concept or characters, much less the actual outline. x.x All I know is the dragon's name. That's it. >.<

And then there's the financial stresses, which are doing their best to drag me through the dirt. I only work part time, and what I make isn't quite enough to cover my monthly bills, much less the half a year worth I owe my roommate for when I couldn't pay at all. >.< I really don't know what I'm going to do. The only thing keeping me from going insane at the moment is that my car loan should be paid off in December.

Blah. x.x I need to destress. But that requires copius amounts of chocolate and I have none. Except for the Ibarra that M sent me and I can't make because I have no milk and my paycheck hasn't gone through my bank yet so I can't even go buy milk. >_<

Comments

[lokiloo.livejournal.com]

I like your writing, and never mind when either you or M take awhile. I know it's tough getting inspired; Hell, I haven't written a poem in years since we moved from the house in Maine. That was my insperation; M is yours, so be happy that she's coming back!:3

--I do feel guilty for not commenting enough (read, AT ALL). But I usually have nothing worth saying, or something really stupid I erase half-way through writing.

I am cheering you on though! DON'T GIVE UP! b(*__*)b
*waves imaginary pom-poms*

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Heh. But the stupid ones are some of the best comments! ^__^

[bleedtoblue.livejournal.com]

I just want to say that I enjoy your writing tremendously, get a great deal of pleasure from it, and hope that you won't feel pressured by having fans!

[forloveofsnape.livejournal.com]

That squeeing you do over M's shiny stories? We do that for yours. I'm sure you're never mad at M for leaving a story for a while, or anything like that. We enjoy your writing, and are just glad for whatever you give us.

When you see all those 113 people, don't panic! Be complimented! Your fans all love your stuff (I know I do).

*hugs*

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Thanks. For the virtual chocolates too. <3

[chilayse.livejournal.com]

Write for your reasons. Don't worry about what we think. Nonsense can certainly be fun.

[marasmine.livejournal.com]

Having strangers read what you write is terrifying and sort of embarrassing. But don't let that stop you! You write wonderful, sweet stories with loveable characters and that is why so many people have stalked you and latched on (like me!). You are writing for you and for M. so you don't have to worry about whether we like it - if you like it and M. likes it, that is all that matters. If I had a money tree I'd send you a cutting. I hope it all smoothes out in time. May tomorrow be sunny and not-depressing.

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Forecast does not appear to be calling for sun anytime in the upcoming week. *le sigh*

[mechante-fille.livejournal.com]

I loved you long before you started posting stories. There are lots of us who do. *hugs*

[tygati.livejournal.com]

<3

[droaerion.livejournal.com]

It is true that we go to her lj a lot, I didn't even realize it, but it's one of the first things on my favorites list. Favortites, Links, DALJ, amaretto sour. I know I've been a Zombie (drunken one, of course) for years, but it really brings it home. I'm pretty sure I started reading your stuff through hers, because fairytales rock, but, yeah. It's something to think about.

Anyway, the other thing I wanted to point out is that you still do write for her most of the time; you occasionally give out a poll or opinion question, but you two really egg eachother on, and I think you should keep writing for her. Sounds sappy.

But uh, real life always sucks. It's like, there's more wrong with this generation than there ever has been. This generation meaning anytime from late seventies to nineties, which proves that I'm a bit skewed, but it's true. Some things get better, some things stay perminant and I'm totally typing more than I meant to.

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Sappy, huh? ^^; Guess it does, sorta. But it works, so... yeah. ^^;

[stardance.livejournal.com]

Don't let the stories thing stress you out. They should be fun for you and no one else. Plus, like Mechante said, a lot of us were your friends before you started writing <3

Also I know for a fact Megan misses you, too :D She kept mentioning you when we were talking the other day. She'll be back before you know it.

(I know I'm not the best person to talk about stress since I handle it so terribly but there are things worth stressing over and things not worth stressing over and I know when you're stressed about one thing it's easy to let everything else overwhelm you. Stress about the important stuff, like finances, and put everything else on the backburner. People will understand that real life comes before writing and such. ♥♥♥)

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Star. <3

(The bad part about the finances is there really isn't anything I can do about them, while I can do something about the other stuff... so... yeah.)

[rotewolken.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I agree with what Stardance said. We're patient and adore you to pieces, we'll wait and be understanding when life gets in the way.

And I very much understand the inspiration/willtheylikeit issue. I finished a piece a couple of weeks ago and now I can't think of anything to do. :/ Not even my old abandoned projects look worth it because of all the flaws I spot and I don't want other people to see them and point them out and be all 'this is kinda crappy'... and I don't even have fans. ^.^;

*hearts* You are giving us a gift by sharing your writing with us. We're not greedy enough to demand more, we just ask politely and accept calmly when you can't give it.

That aside, your roommate seems to heart you. Maybe you should sit and talk to him about your financial stress? Maybe he can help you out with something, or at the very least be understanding about it.

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I look at everything I've written, and at all their flaws, and wonder why anyone bothers to read them at all. x.x I have plotholes you could drive a 757 through. -__-;

The guilt is still there, though, even if the readers understand. You always feel like you should be doing more, doing better, doing something. x.x

Oh, Mikey's very understanding. More than I ever expected him to be. It's just rough on me because I hate... owing people. I don't want to be obligated to anyone... some weird need for independence thing. x.x

[rotewolken.livejournal.com]

It's alright, I understand. I see that with a lot of my older stuff even though people tell me it's awesome. And I'll agree that the concept I've come up with is fantastic, but the art itself is just crap. *shrug* But it's still meaningful to them in a way that's completely different from how I perceived it when drawing/painting. I think that, in the end, the fact that it brings them some small amount of joy matters just as much as the self critiquing.

I get the guilt thing too sometimes. Or I used to when some friends kept trying to drag me into art contests with them. They kept wanting me to draw things that I just had no motivation to draw. I felt bad for not doing it, so I just started to avoid talking to them for a while until they stopped harassing me about it. *shrug*

As far as your stuff goes, I'm usually too wrapped up in the pretty to notice any plot holes you may or may not have. So, honestly, I don't really ever see them. ^.^;; I just really like your characters and the worlds you create and how you're so good that the showing and not telling part of writing. I'm terrible at writing, but I know what I like to read. ;)

I also understand the not wanting to owe people. My mom was awesome at taking money but never paying it back, so I don't want to turn out like her. As a result though, I'm kind of messing up a lot for myself by not accepting financial help when I actually need it (like college which is why I've yet to go). *shrug* As long as Mikey loves you to pieces and understands then everything should work out fine in the end.

M will be back soon and all will be well. *offers cookies and hugs* Keep your head up. ^.^

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly. Good concept, bad execution. But people like it, so what can you do? ^^;; (Well, rewrite it, but there's all new anxiety involved with that...)

It's hard to write or draw when the subject doesn't call to you. One reason I don't get involved in those 'themed' zines or stuff. Not my scene. x.x Usually, art/fic just sorta happens, y'know?

Showing and not telling is harder than it seems. ^^; Especially in the Brownie story. >.< I keep thinking I failed that part miserably there, but no one else seems to notice so... ah well. ^^; Thank goodness for characters that distract from the mediocre writing!

Yeah, I absolutely refuse to do student loans. The benefit you get from college doesn't really balance out owing money to people for practically the rest of your life. x.x So, I've got two years down, and can't go back until I get finances settled. Blah. x.x

[rotewolken.livejournal.com]

Cheer up with Brownie fanart. (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/selwyn/nivenfortygs.png) *hugs*

[tygati.livejournal.com]

EEE! **__** Omg he's perfect! You even got his eyes right! *.* Eeeeee!!!

[rini1031.livejournal.com]

I've read nearly all of your stories and loved every single one. You're a wonderful writer; you shouldn't EVER try to write for your audience. As for muses, I have a story half finished, several people have even given up on me, all because my muse died and I can't seem to finish anything anymore. Please don't give up and don't worry about your writing.

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Thanks luv. <3

[rykaine.livejournal.com]

if I'm somehow disappointing them when things I've promised just sit and collect dust because my muses have abandoned me

hmm... that sounds like a familiar sentiment. Lessee, what's my count now? I think I've got something like 32 WIPs. ^^;; So umm.. if anyone's really a disappointment, it's not you.

Though as far as that goes, I learned long ago that forcing the muses to write gets you even farther from finishing it. I know in my case, it just makes me more frustrated, which just pits me against the story, so then I just give up and pack it in as a lost cause, and it takes me even longer to get back to it.

I always get kinda antsy and fidgeting when Meg recs or links something of mind. Inevitably people will follow, and occasionally they'll comment, and that just adds to the pressure I already feel to finish something already, damnit. It just perpetuates the frustration.

Ooh, and when I find out I've a lurker or two? *sigh* I always feel the most guilty when I realize there are unnamed people checking in from time to time for an update that likely will never be. At least not soon.

umm... I know I had a point when I started this. The nasty spider broke my train of thought. *shudder*

I've been a total failure at commenting on others' works. I don't have an excuse at this point. I just suck. But while I'm taking the initiative here, I'll say that I enjoy your stuff, and it's always a nice addition to the day to come home and find something--even a small something--waiting to be read and enjoyed. Anything good is always well worth the wait, and we are always well-rewarded for the wait. ^_^

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Thanks Sammie. <3 You definitely seem to be more of the Meg-type when it comes to muses. That's got to be aggravating. x.x I usually just have to... think a whole lot about something for a few days hours before things start to click. >.o Or get someone to throw random Stuff at me until the lightbulbs go off. ^^; Heh.

Lurkers are scary. That's all there is to it. x.x

Ew, spider. >.< We had one in the bathroom yesterday. I rescued Mikey from it with a flyswatter. ^___^

*^.^* Danke shun, Sammikins. <3

[kiyoshi-chan.livejournal.com]

If it bothers you so much about the lurkers, friend everything, filter it, and leave a note for people to ask to be friended when they want to read? :x I mean, it's a lot of work, but it will let you keep track of who's reading your work.

*huuuuuuuugs* I'm sorry about the money issue, that always sucks. :( And I wish I could send you chocolate... I'll see what I can come up with. :x Do you have a preference for any particular kind of chocolate?

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Oh god no. >.< I don't want a million people on my friends' list. I can barely handle the ones I have! I'll just have to deal with the lurkers. x.x

Choooooocolate... *__* I'm particularly fond of caramel, loathe nuts, and, um... 9.9 stuff? ^^; Dunno, when Sini sent the peppermint one from Finland that was totally new to me but verra yummy. ^___^ Hee.

[kiyoshi-chan.livejournal.com]

*patpatpat*

Hm. Well, want to send me your address so I can check what's available online? :P Oh, any particular brands and flavours aside from caramel (and no nuts)? I only know of like... Royce chocolate, and obviously stuff like Godiva, which is just *_* I generally eat chocolate without paying attention to brands. I recently tried some from Vienna (my mom's friend went over there for a holiday, and bought us chocolate) and OH MY GOD IT WAS SO GOOD. I think I ate almost the entire box by myself. :x

[maderr.livejournal.com]

*luffs you* You help keep me from utter despair and depressing, my lovely. I am sorry to have abandoned you ^^;;

Financial worries. I have learned the hard way to just not let it fucking get you down. it's only money, you only live once, do the best you can and otherwise say fuck it.

*hugs* I shall have to write you a sparkly on the plane. send me the snippets of smutty prettiness for bangkok, liv/tyb and whatever all else and I'll see what I can do while I'm travelling x_x I'll need the distraction, urgh.

[tygati.livejournal.com]

*snuggles lots* As long as you're having a wonderful time, I forgive you. ;)

^^;; Yes'm.

Ebil long plane rides. x.x The going up and coming down is fun, but it's that long long time between that's a pain. x__x *huggles lots*

[avalon13.livejournal.com]

If you think I'm only here for the fics, you must be joking. God knows I love what you write, but my dear, even if you stopped writing, I would still be here. I may not comment all the time, but I am. Lurking is a rather hard habit to break away from, I'm afraid.

I can't give you solutions to your problems, or advice. I can only say this; you must do what you feel is right. Which doesn't really help or anything but it's all that I've got. Well, that and frequent cases of verbal diarrhea. Cheer up, my darling. <3

[tygati.livejournal.com]

<3 I love your verbal diarrhea. It is Amuzing. ;)

[carib-nymph.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Someday you may want to invest in either an artificial sunlight machine, or lightbulbs that are full-spectrum.

Ken's mom has the same problem.
But since she's a writer for a living, she can't afford for her muses to go hibernate. :-p


*kidnaps you, when we go back to Trinidad next year*
*blink-blink*

[tygati.livejournal.com]

^^; I like to sit in the dark? But yeah, maybe for the little overhead lamp I turn on during the winter... 9.9

Oh, wouldn't that be lovely... pretty islands...

[cobecat.livejournal.com]

There are so many things in life to stress about (stupid money. Try not to let it get you down)...but writing shouldn't be one of them. We're your fans because we love your writing: your characters, your plots, your style, your nonsense and even your plotholes. ^_^ You're not writing for us, though...the only opinions that matter are the ones you decide should.
And I can't speak for anyone else, but at least one of your fans would still be too scared to post her own writing were it not for you and M. So, thank you.

[tygati.livejournal.com]

That little timid fan is a nutcase. She write verra pretty things. ;)

<3

Journey's aren't always easy

[http://users.livejournal.com/roulette_/]

You know we all have bad days. Bad times. I think I've been moping around through one since I decided to leave Kender, maybe before. And I've talked to numerous people, financially its just hard right now. I work full time, my room mate works full time and Orryn is pulling in a decent amount with his unemployment and I still don't have enough for the bills.

Money just doesn't go as far as it used to. And none of us make much more than we did when it went farther.

Le Palais is all but dead and I care. I care alot, but I can't seem to find the energy or strength or creative gooeyness to fix it.

I haven't written ANYTHING that wasn't rpg related since Kender left.

This stuff just happens. But somehow, whether you call it Karma or the Grace of God, we all muddle our way through it. AND you have lots of friends, at least 113 of them who want to help you do it.

Frankly, I know I do. BTW I miss getting to talk to you regularly and think of you SO often.

So... just... know that your depressed. Know that M will get back and inspiration will return. Know that eventually the sun will come back out, phyically and metaphysically speaking. Know that while it may not be prety and it may not be graceful, you'll get through it and the bad times will go back to being better times.

And never forget that you've got so many friends who want to help you along the way.

P.S. Love you lots, babelicious.

Re: Journey's aren't always easy

[tygati.livejournal.com]

Thanks Rou. <3 Love you too.

[koneikaa66.livejournal.com]

I think you're not lovable only for your stories!! It's cause you're lovable that you make good stories and lovable ones!
I don't know you that well but what I knew from your LJ made me want to comment on it, and not just go around lurking (in fact I'm un-lurking only for people making me comfortable and confident enough that I 'll be able to try to put my feelings and thoughts in words, I'm awfully shy).
I hope that my way of saying that "like usual your stories are great" isn't one putting pression on you, it's not the will behind it (the "usual" may seem that way, but I truly hope it isn't_ quite awkward with words when trying to express myself).

I enjoy your work and your LJ and hope this comment like the ones above will help you.
Don't be scared of people they're just people like you, they laugh, cry, fear and go to the toilets just like you!! and we're all kind of silly : human condition and all you know!

Hope this one will be helpful_even a little tiny bit_ rambling, not just supportive one...

Take some chocolate from Garfield... if you want for Xmas I'll send you some true ones, or before: after I purchase your book!

[(Anonymous)]

Hi! Longtime lurker (for serious, I've been lurking since the beginning of the Lost Gods series, terrible commenter though), found your stuff though M, then found Skylark, Nikery, Inkygoblin and many others. I'm in love with this community of amazing writers you all have going (and many a little jealous, talent would be nice). But I have to say, I have ALWAYS loved your stories, and always squee like crazy (my love for Tau knows no bounds). Life sucks, this we all know, so waits are understandable and just make the shinys that come after that much better. So yeah, much love.

(Chocolate! Chocolate is the food of the gods.)